Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Naghihintay

Matagal tagal na rin akong nakaupo sa silyang ito.

Napa-aga ata ako ng dating kung kaya't wala pa ang hinihintay ko. Sanay naman ako maghintay eh, ilang beses na rin kasi akong naupo dito sa pwestong ito para maghintay ng kung sinu man ang susundo sa akin.

Hindi ako mareklamong tao kaya kahit tirik na tirik ang sikat ng araw eh may ngiti pa rin sa aking mga labing masisilayan. Hindi nakakunot ang aking noo. Pinagpapawisan pero hindi ko na ito pinapansin, may dala naman akong panyong pamunas.

Ilan minuto pa ang lumipas at wala pa rin sya. Kaya ko pa naman maghintay kaya nilibang ko na lang muna ang sarili ko. Nagmasid ako ng mga taong napapadaan sa akin harapan. May iba't ibang katangian. May masaya, may malungkot. Iba ibang mukha.

Isang bata na hinahabol ang kanyang laruang bola ang napadaan sa harapan ko. Napangiti ako. Naalala ko nung bata ako. Musmos na walang muwang. Musmos na walang pinoproblema kung hindi ang kanilang laro at gutom. Musmos na ang nasusugatan lang ay ang balat. Musmos na ang tanging sakit lang na nararamdaman ay ang sugat sa katawan at ang palo ng nagmamahal na magulang.

Wala pa rin siya...

Maingay na dumaan naman ang isang barkada sa aking likuran. Nilingon ko sila dahil naalala ko ang aking mga kaibigan. Naalala ko ang mga biruan at harutan namin. Mga kulitan na nagpatatag sa aming samahan. Ang mga inuman na lalong nagbigay sa amin ng dahilan para maging malapit. Ang mga problemang bumuhos sa bawat sandali nito. Ang mga luha at tawa na aming pinagsaluhan. Sa mga panahong akala ko ay wala na ang lahat ngunit sila'y nandyan pa rin. Takbuhan, kakulitan, at karamay.

Ilang minuto pa ang dumaan. Wala pa rin ang aking hinihintay.

Tinext ko sya kung nasaan na sya.

Ilang minuto pa ulit ngunit walang sagot. Napaisip ako, baka naligaw? baka natrapik? nasabi ko ba kung saang lugar? nandito lang naman ako, hindi ako umaalis sa kinalalagyan ko. hindi ba nya ako makita?

Umupo sa tabi ko ang isnag magkasintahan. Mukhang galit ang isa at ang isa naman ay walang humpay ang pagso-sorry. Nangiti ang una at bigla silang nagyakap. Nagkukulitan na sila. Sweet silang dalawa. Nahiya ako nang mapatingin ako sa kanila. Naiinggit,. Hindi pa sya dumarating.

Napaisip ako ulit.

Nagsimulang umambon, wala akong payong na dala. Hindi naman sya ganoon kalakas kaya hindi na ako nag-atubiling umalis pa sa aking pwesto baka dumating na sya.

Maya maya pa'y may pumarang sasakyan sa may bandang di kalayuan. Alam kong sya na yun. Sya na ang hinihintay ko. Bumaba siya mula sa sasakyan at naglabas ng payong. Naglakad siya patungo sa aking direksyon ng may ngiti sa kanyang mukha. Akoy tumayo sa akin kinauupuan at dahan-dahang tumungo sa kanya. Habang ako'y papalapit ay unti-unti ring lumalakas ang buhos ng ulan na parang bang may sinasabi.

Kaunting hakbang na lang ngunit bigla syang dumiretso papalayo sa akin.

Parang di man lang ako nakita. Ako'y natigilan...napatingin sa kanyang patutunguhan. Bumagsak ang aking luha kasabay ng pagbuhos ng ulan...di ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin...di ako makakilos...wala akong magawa kung hindi ang umiyak...

Tumigil na ang ulan...tumigil na rin ang aking pagluha...wala naman akong magagawa...wala...hanggang dun lang kami...yun lang un...makikita ko lang sya pero hindi sya sa akin patungo...makakasalubong ngunit hindi ako hihintuan...hanggang dun na lang...

Ilang saglit lang ang nakaraan wala na siya. At ako naman'y naiwan ulit dito sa aking kinalalagyan. Naglalakad patungo sa dating silya kong kinalalagyan. Sa isang silyang naging saksi sa lahat. Balik sa simula.

Balik sa paghihintay. Paghihintay sa kung sino man ang darating at ako'y susunduin. Ako'y maghihintay, kahit ako'y nasasaktan.

Paulit ulit. Maghihintay. May darating. Hindi pwede. Aalis. Makakalimot. Ako'y masasaktan

Ako'y maghihintay muli.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

...shorts...

this is just going to be a very short post since I am having another writer's block.,


well [insert name here]'s been running constantly on my mind., I have even dreamt about [insert name here] for two days., the first one was [insert name here]'s name and the second time was in person., all I could remember from the second dream was that [insert name here] was sitting on a chair and that we are talking., and then we bumped shoulders., hehehe., that's just about it., ;)., i am so kilig!.,


i really cant get [insert name here] out of my mind., from the time I wake up, when trying to take a nap, before going to sleep., (siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggghhhh!)., i've even thought of [insert name here] while attending the mass., ;)., I have to stop this., i have to., I know i have to., I need to...

Saturday, 25 June 2011

...I just want to be...

I have joined a 30 day song challenge in facebook where in you are to post music videos for 30 days., there are different categories per day., so my first day is today, and the category that was assigned for day 01 was my favorite song., I was taken aback a little bit by the category since I have a lot of favorite songs., I have liked many genre of songs that I really can't single out what I would post., but then...I just realized that I have a song that may summarize everything that I want to say., from the beginning., everything that I have been feeling., I just want to be happy., a song for me.,

Happy
by Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me out of here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
on't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause i'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh

So any turns that I can't see,
like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me

I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy


Photo from: http://i.olhares.com/data/big/282/2821291.jpg

Friday, 24 June 2011

...really confused...

I played hide and seek with my friends a few days ago. But until now, I'm still not found. Maybe, I hid too well, but I'm just standing here, and I didn't even hide. - Anonymous


Wednesday, 22 June 2011

...apologizing...

Photo from: http://pursuinghispurpose.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/sorry.jpg
i thought that this "thing" about [insert name here] will not be much of a big deal for me since this isn't the first time that I have secretly fallen for someone., by the way i am very good at it., hiding my feelings for someone., hehehe., ;)

rather showing [insert name here] my feelings I have made subtle moves to show [insert name here] that something is up., hehehe., schemings that led into ME, falling even more deeply with [insert name here].,

now i'm confused with everything., confused of whether this is just an infatuation or is it something beyond that., confused as to whether this is right or wrong (but the fact that I know that it is really wrong makes it more difficult)., i know [insert name here] and I will never have anything more than what we have right now because [insert name here] has someone., i'll just have to accept the fact that [insert name here] and I are just friends., friends is all we ever could be and that's just about it.,

i won't confess to [insert name here] cause it is bending the rules (here i go again with the rules!)., hehehe., but i'm happy that i am having a great time whenever we are together (cannot mention how we are having a great time since it may exploit [insert name here]'s identity)., hehehehe., ;)

if ever [insert name here] is reading this.,



please never mind everything i just said., i am not in the position to beg for you since there are circumstances that I have to consider and also, you have to consider., sorry if I am not being vocal., sorry if i can't express this in front of you., sorry., I am really very sorry., and also sorry that I am feeling this way towards you., i am very sorry.,
Photo from: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_AX9h370GIZo/TUZc2B84mAI/AAAAAAAAARc/WKVqRWGr8SE/s1600/im-sorry.jpg

Monday, 20 June 2011

...can't get enough...

"I'm in love, sweet love
Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame
I'm in love, sweet love
Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way"

"But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth"

"I'm on the edge of glory,
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth,
Out on the edge of glory,
And I'm hanging on a moment with you" 

"Why oh Why, Do I feel this way?
When I'm with you I feel so alive
Why oh Why, will I hide away
I can't help it
I'm falling in love with you"

"Maybe, it's wrong to say please love me too
'Cause I know you'll never do
Somebody else is waiting there inside for you
Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day"


"My heart is playing tricks on me
And it's building bricks on me
I can't break through
And I can't face you"

"So I hid inside
(Till) I almost died
Yes I hid inside and I cried
A loving heart in a sensitive man
Hiding inside myself"

"Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you"


Saturday, 18 June 2011

...secretly inlove...

I really don't like to admit this here but I am secretly inlove with someone right now., i can't really mention any names here because I am not in the position to post any names without the consent of the persons involved (and for the fact that I am afraid...remember bending the rules?).,


i have been with this person for not a very long time but come to think of it I never actually noticed [insert the name here] until lately., ;)


this post won't be that long since I might spill out details and [insert the name here] might find out!., i am just bothered today because I can't get [insert the name here] out of my mind., i think of [insert the name here] everytime, at night, before sleeping, when I wake up in the morning., haaaaayyyyy!!., i can't get enough of [insert the name here].,


I can't tell [insert the name here] that I have feelings., I'll just stay here and be an admirer., hehehe., ;)


that's it for now., i think i'll have to create a new blog so that i can let everything spill out., hehehe., ;)

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

...bending rules...

I am feeling the same feeling again., I don't know whether this is correct but I cannot escape this., I am trapped in a constant, never-ending cycle., everytime I move forward i'll be back to square one.,

I don't want to continue because there are rules., rules that we need to obey., to follow., rules that don't bend., rules that if bended will have greater consequences., 

I'm afraid of what could happen if I bend most of them., I have bended one already and may I just say that it is not easy., it is really not easy to have bended a rule that was never meant to be broken.,

I have read in an article titled In A World Without Rules the consequences of having no rules but the rules that are being described here are rules about justice., rules that prohibits people from doing bad things like killing and other crimes., what I am bending are unwritten rules., rules that are just instilled in the mind of people.,
"I don't think there would be a such thing as 'good' if there were no rules. There would be nothing to compare it to. If there were no models for people to say "okay, this is a good person, and this is a bad person" then we couldn't really say what's good or bad. I think the existence of rules keeps people from deviating from the norm for fear of consequences, but if there were no negative consequences for people's actions, people could ideally, do whatever they wanted without fear of retribution or being outcasted."
the quotation above is a part of the article., in my mind i would refer the rules here as the unwritten rules., that is why I can relate very much., yes it is true people are afraid to be deviant for the fact that they are afraid., afraid of all the things that may happen and will eventually happen., that's just about it!., all of us are afraid., whether you deny it or not, there is always a part of you that doesn't want to go beyond the unwritten rules., it is innate in every human., we cannot escape that., that's a fact., a fact., fact.,


for that someone who will come eventually...


I just have a question...


just one...


would you bend the rules for me?

Thursday, 9 June 2011

...questions...

who?...who am I?...why am I bothered by this question?...why is it that everyday is like the same?..why is it the same?...why can't I find me?...where?...where in the world would I find my self?...is it behind those closed doors?...is is somewhere I know?...why am I making my self believe?...why is it that I am not happy?...is there a way for me to change?...are there any other places where I should be?...why am I like this?...did I choose to be this?...is everything planned?... why can't I comprehend?...why is there something missing?...why do I keep on guessing?...when will I start to understand?...when will I stop chasing?...who am I chasing?...is someone out there?...or am I just running?...where was I running from?...running to?...can anybody hear me?...can someone stop me?...how will I get there?...do I have to fly?...what if I fall?...is someone there to catch me?...is there someone out there for me?...why am I repeating myself?... why aren't tears falling?...am I strong?...but why is my heart breaking?...am I weak?...am I that fickle?...am I bound to be like this forever?...forever?...forever alone?...forever hiding in fear?...forever hiding these tears?...why is there rejection?...why is there pain?...why do I have all these questions?...can someone answer?...except God is there someone else?...when will you come?...how long will I wait?...where would I find you?...how would you reach me?...how would I reach you?...why are you taking so long?...why is it taking so long?...are you lost?...am I lost?...when will I be found?...should I search?...should I stay put?...when would I feel not alone?...when will I feel someone's touch?...when can I hold somebody's hands?...when can I feel the warmth of an embrace?...when can I say that someone is mine?...why?...who?...where?...how?...when?...

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

...from me to you...


Dear you,

Hi!., How have you been doing?., Well, for the most part I am doing well but still something is missing., I know I sound emo-ish again, but what can I do?., I cannot force myself to be so happy at all times., I cannot force a smile outside while my heart is tearing apart.,

In reality…I am doing just opposite of that., I am not OK., I am hiding behind a mask of smile and laughter., I am slowly being consumed by the sadness that is surrounding my heart., hehe., I am laughing because I don’t sound like myself anymore., I feel like I’m a different person., it’s like someone took over and made me this way.,

I said I would never look for you anymore cause I know that one of these days you are going to come but I can’t help thinking when?., where?., how?., questions that just won’t get out of my mind., they keep on lingering whenever I am alone to myself., I always wonder.,

Why am I stuck in this black hole?., why can’t I get out of this ship going under., i'm in shallow waters but I am drowning...and fast., 

Is there anything wrong with me?., can you please tell me?.,

When will you notice me?., when will you...

Sincerest,
Jhay

Friday, 3 June 2011

...at last...

At last the internet connection here at our home has been fixed and I can now do the blogging here.,
Just some recent updates about the past weeks that have passed (at least on my point of view)., hehehehehe.,

Last Thursday the whole Team went into a Lunch out at DADS where in the eat-all-you-can buffet was sooooooooo good., I've eaten so much there that I didn't ate dinner., wow that was really a good place to eat and especially the fact that everything was paid by our Project Manager., hehehehe., I don't want to elaborate on stuffs but my team mates know something.,

Photo from: http//www.kamayansaisakidads.com

The next day, Friday, dinner out at Chili's where we tried their unlimited/bottomless Margarita., I could say that it is just like a shake because of their flavors which is Mango, Strawberry, and a mix of both., hehehehe., again it's free., so I have had a very great time eating the food away.,

Photo from: http://dealiciousdiva.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Season1_Logo1.jpg

I am telling you I am getting bloated because of the constant eating out with my friends and team mates., hehehehehehe.,

The next day, Saturday, I got a text message from my college friend inviting me to get together with them., we met up at Robinson's Malate and there we started planning for the night., hehehe., we ate at Gumbo where their Jambalaya was soooooooo good., but it was a bit too pricey for me because there are only four of us, we have to pay 500 per person., but I think it is really worth it since we got full and the food is good., I would not say it was to die for but it is good., yummmmm!!!!., then we went into Synder for some quality video-oke time., we had a blast and went home about 3 in the morning., ;)

Photo from: http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4055/4231203492_a2e4ce0273_z.jpg

Then, just this week (my memory is really a mess today because I had a drink last night., hehehehehehe., ;)) we went to Kanin Club together with some new Bootcampers., hehehehehe., should I say the Crispy Dinuguan was really to die for., as in it is really good., no it was not good it was fantastic., hehehehehe., then the Spicy seafood was also good., the Aligue Rice was not really a favorite of mine so I just went for the plain fried rice., then the Crispy Pata!., I know that this is really bad for my health but what can I do when the scrumptious meal is at my reach., uuuummmmm(i just indulged my self into it)., lastly is the Seafood Kare-Kare I was so full that I did not tried that one., but given the chance again i would really love to try it., hehehehehe., the bill was also not that high., I mean for the ten of us that ate and got full we only paid 200 per person., that means our bill is only above 2000 Php., that's a great deal., I mean the food was great and the service is OK., the only thing is, the place was a bit crowded and it is a bit hot even if the aircon was turned on., hehehehehe., oh! i forgot to mention that the Kanin Club branch that we went to is at Ayala Triangle., it is near Amici and Bannapple.


Just last night me and my QA Bootcamper Family (The Bullies) had a night out at Central 2., we had a great time bonding with the new batch of QA Bootcampers together with someone special., hehehehehehe., blushing., thanks to Uncle Walton for paying for the booze and the food., hehehehe., I had a blast!., hehehehehehe.,

I'll update once in a while since I am tranferring into another project at work so I have to read tons and tons of document., whew! I thought I will be on Pahinga Mode for a long time., but I am also thankful that I won't be on Bench since the utilization of every employee is being monitored and it is a plus factor for the performance evaluation, and for the Salary increase., hehehhehehe., thanks to God that I passed the interview with the indian over-all PM for the Automation Project., hehehehe., ;)

Oh! by the way i am very much excited for the coming weekend since me and my team mates together with some new bootcampers are going to Baler., this going to be a fun outing!., ;)